How to grow a green lawn

Step #1: Dump poisons -- like fertilizers and pesticides -- on your lawn that may pollute drinking water, shrink your testicles, and give you cancer.

Step #2: Pour gas in your lawn mower -- likely bought from dictatorships that supports terrorists -- and mow your lawn with an engine that is more polluting than driving a car 100 miles because it has no catalytic converter and may give you lung cancer. As a bonus, tick off your neighbors with a loud lawn mower that drowns out the bucolic suburban noises of birds chirping and simple, mere silence.

Step #3: Water your lawn with valuable, fresh, clean drinking water that will make up 50% of your water bill, deplete freshwater aquifers, and cause your municipality to have to invest in a desalination plant that will further spike your water bill while sucking up huge amounts of energy...causing greenhouse gas pollution that will further worsen global climate change that will lead to droughts causing you to spend even more money watering your green lawn.

Step #4: Congratulations! You now have a green lawn! A super-polluting, very expensive crop that you can't even eat that's sole purpose is to one-up your neighbors.