Do the following statements refer to (a) a dog or (b) Lena Dunham?
1. Makes a lot of noise when something catches her eye but not a whole lot of sense.
2. If she does not get enough attention, will publicly display her excrement until people notice.
3. If she lived in Germany in the 1930s, she would be excluded from cinema, theatre, concerts, exhibitions, beaches and holiday resorts.
4. She's not ashamed to do it doggy style in public.
5. She bites the hands that feeds her. (sorry Judd Apatow)
How to piss off every New Yorker in 36 seconds
Step #1: Not be from New York.
Step #2: Be in New York.
Step #3: Do something that would take a New Yorker 35 seconds to do (for example, cross the street, order coffee, etc.)
Step #2: Be in New York.
Step #3: Do something that would take a New Yorker 35 seconds to do (for example, cross the street, order coffee, etc.)
How to fill Us Weekly magazine during a slow news week
Step #1: Look through your old file of paparazzi pics for the most boring photos you can't use for anything else, and then state the obvious in them. Here's an example...
Stars -- They're Just Like Us!
Every 60 seconds, Helena Bonham Carter's red blood cells do a complete circuit of her body.
Kim Kardashian is made up of 7,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 atoms.
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Ariana Grande is approximately 65% water.
How to identify great tits
#1. Great tits are passerine birds in the tit family Paridae.
#2. Great tits are larger than other tits, measuring 12.5–14.0 cm (4.9–5.5 in) in length.
#3. Great tits are commonly spotted in urban parks and gardens.
#4. Japanese tits used to be considered great tits, but after studies by Russian scientists, Japanese tits are now considered a separate subspecies.
#5. To help you identify great tits, here is a photo of a pair of great tits. And you can visit Wikipedia to learn more about great tits.
By Shirley Clarke (Fordingbridge Camera Club) [CC BY-SA 3.0], via Wikimedia Commons
#2. Great tits are larger than other tits, measuring 12.5–14.0 cm (4.9–5.5 in) in length.
#3. Great tits are commonly spotted in urban parks and gardens.
#4. Japanese tits used to be considered great tits, but after studies by Russian scientists, Japanese tits are now considered a separate subspecies.
#5. To help you identify great tits, here is a photo of a pair of great tits. And you can visit Wikipedia to learn more about great tits.
By Shirley Clarke (Fordingbridge Camera Club) [CC BY-SA 3.0], via Wikimedia Commons
How to rock
Step #1: Determine society's status quo(s).
Step #2: Rebel against said status quo(s).*
*Please note, if someone has already rebelled against the status quo, you must rebel against them rebelling against the status quo. This is known as being a counterrevolutionary, alternative, or normcore, depending on the exact thing you are trying to rock.
Step #2: Rebel against said status quo(s).*
*Please note, if someone has already rebelled against the status quo, you must rebel against them rebelling against the status quo. This is known as being a counterrevolutionary, alternative, or normcore, depending on the exact thing you are trying to rock.
How to make the perfect pie crust
Step #1: Become a deity or the Pope. Well done! Now everything you do is perfect.
Step #2: Mix flour, sugar, and butter. Bake.
Step #2: Mix flour, sugar, and butter. Bake.
Smartphone definition
Smartphone ˈsmärtˌfōn/ noun
12 Things People Do
See also: Things 12 People Do (disambiguation)
#1. Write list-based blog posts.
#2. Use their autonomic nervous system to control heart rate, digestion, respiratory rate, salivation, perspiration, pupillary dilation, breathing, and swallowing. People so do that all the time.
#3. Dance like no one is watching only when no one is actually watching. Otherwise, dance really self consciously (except if alcohol or club drugs have been ingested).
#4. Make decisions that benefit them in the short term at the expense of long-term happiness.
#5. Photosynthesize (Editor's Update: Will be moved to future blog post "12 Things Plants Do." Thanks for catching this error, IBrakeForPlants82.)
#6. Walk upright. Again, except when alcohol is involved.
#7. Dig up millenia worth of carbon. Burn it. And not notice any negative effects. "This planet was like this when we got here. Really. We didn't break it."
#8. Kill for sport. People, they're the worst.
#9. Use opposable thumbs to hitchhike.
#10. Care for their young. Except this jerk.
#11. Manipulate objects with a fairly fine precision. And manipulate people into buying junk they don't need with TV commercials.
#12. Exercise morality. Treat other people how they seek to be treated.
#1. Write list-based blog posts.
#2. Use their autonomic nervous system to control heart rate, digestion, respiratory rate, salivation, perspiration, pupillary dilation, breathing, and swallowing. People so do that all the time.
#3. Dance like no one is watching only when no one is actually watching. Otherwise, dance really self consciously (except if alcohol or club drugs have been ingested).
#4. Make decisions that benefit them in the short term at the expense of long-term happiness.
#5. Photosynthesize (Editor's Update: Will be moved to future blog post "12 Things Plants Do." Thanks for catching this error, IBrakeForPlants82.)
#6. Walk upright. Again, except when alcohol is involved.
#7. Dig up millenia worth of carbon. Burn it. And not notice any negative effects. "This planet was like this when we got here. Really. We didn't break it."
#8. Kill for sport. People, they're the worst.
#9. Use opposable thumbs to hitchhike.
#10. Care for their young. Except this jerk.
#11. Manipulate objects with a fairly fine precision. And manipulate people into buying junk they don't need with TV commercials.
#12. Exercise morality. Treat other people how they seek to be treated.
Things 12 people do
#1. Inherit $1.8 billion from Matthew and Martin Bucksbaum, as members of one of America's Richest Families.
#2. Walk on the moon.
#3. Form a minyan, with a comfortable buffer.
#4. Live in Weeki Wachee, Florida.
#5. Field a Canadian football team.
#6. Destroy a villa filled with Nazi officers.
#2. Walk on the moon.
#3. Form a minyan, with a comfortable buffer.
#4. Live in Weeki Wachee, Florida.
#5. Field a Canadian football team.
#6. Destroy a villa filled with Nazi officers.
10 famous newspaper headlines if they were written by Upworthy
Before You Say This Ship Is Unsinkable, Listen To The First Dot And The Second Dash From This Morse Code Telegraph Operator
Original: "Titanic Sinks Four Hours After Hitting Iceberg," The New York Times
9 Out Of 10 Americans Will Be Eating At Soup Kitchens Next Year Because Of This Amazing Financial Development
Original: "Greatest Crash In Wall Street History," Daily MailBefore You Say You're An Isolationist, Read This One Article About What Japan Just Did
Original: "War! Oahu Bombed By Japanese Planes," Honolulu Star-Bulletin
Bully Kills Millions Of Innocent People, Allies Destroy Him
Original: "Hitler Dead," The News Chronicle
Germany Decided To Pick A Fight With The Rest Of The World. It Didn't Go Well.
Original: "The War In Europe Is Ended! Surrender Is Unconditional," The New York Times
Before You Say You're Not Interested In Science, Watch These World War II Pilots Hop Around In Low Gravity
Original: "Men Walk On Moon," The New York Times
Move Over Nixon -- You're Obsolete
Original: "Nixon Resigns. He Urges A Time Of 'Healing': Ford Will Take Office Today," The New York Times
If This News Makes You Uncomfortable, Then You Make Me Uncomfortable
Original: "Mandela Goes Free Today," City PressDefense Contractors Were Making Tons Of Money. And Then This Separation Between This World Superpower And This World Superpower Did Something Truly Super That Will Make You Totally Rethink How You Look At Global Geopolitics
Original: "Berlin Wall Tumbles," London Herald
You Will Let Your Jaw Hit The Floor When You See Who We Just Elected.
Original: "Obama. Racial Barrier Falls In Decisive Victory," The New York Times
Titanic Sinks Four Hours After Hitting Iceberg”
How to run a profitable business
Step #1: Hire lots of corporate lobbyists. Give more than $18.8 million to federal candidates, committees and parties.
Step #2: Be greedy and shady. Bring the world to the brink of financial collapse. But don't worry because...
Step #3: Remember Step #1? Now's the time to call in a favor or two or $9 trillion to clean up the mess you created. Talk about return on investment.
Step #4: Dodge serious regulatory reform (thanks again to Step #1).
Step #5: Generate $76 billion in profits.
Step #2: Be greedy and shady. Bring the world to the brink of financial collapse. But don't worry because...
Step #3: Remember Step #1? Now's the time to call in a favor or two or $9 trillion to clean up the mess you created. Talk about return on investment.
Step #4: Dodge serious regulatory reform (thanks again to Step #1).
Step #5: Generate $76 billion in profits.
How to name a brand extension
Let's say you sell discount chairs, and your brand is called Sit For Less.
Well, then you want to have a brand extension and sell discount toilets. You could call it Shit For Less.
Well, then you want to have a brand extension and sell discount toilets. You could call it Shit For Less.
How to grow a green lawn
Step #1: Dump poisons -- like fertilizers and pesticides -- on your lawn that may pollute drinking water, shrink your testicles, and give you cancer.
Step #2: Pour gas in your lawn mower -- likely bought from dictatorships that supports terrorists -- and mow your lawn with an engine that is more polluting than driving a car 100 miles because it has no catalytic converter and may give you lung cancer. As a bonus, tick off your neighbors with a loud lawn mower that drowns out the bucolic suburban noises of birds chirping and simple, mere silence.
Step #3: Water your lawn with valuable, fresh, clean drinking water that will make up 50% of your water bill, deplete freshwater aquifers, and cause your municipality to have to invest in a desalination plant that will further spike your water bill while sucking up huge amounts of energy...causing greenhouse gas pollution that will further worsen global climate change that will lead to droughts causing you to spend even more money watering your green lawn.
Step #4: Congratulations! You now have a green lawn! A super-polluting, very expensive crop that you can't even eat that's sole purpose is to one-up your neighbors.
Step #2: Pour gas in your lawn mower -- likely bought from dictatorships that supports terrorists -- and mow your lawn with an engine that is more polluting than driving a car 100 miles because it has no catalytic converter and may give you lung cancer. As a bonus, tick off your neighbors with a loud lawn mower that drowns out the bucolic suburban noises of birds chirping and simple, mere silence.
Step #3: Water your lawn with valuable, fresh, clean drinking water that will make up 50% of your water bill, deplete freshwater aquifers, and cause your municipality to have to invest in a desalination plant that will further spike your water bill while sucking up huge amounts of energy...causing greenhouse gas pollution that will further worsen global climate change that will lead to droughts causing you to spend even more money watering your green lawn.
Step #4: Congratulations! You now have a green lawn! A super-polluting, very expensive crop that you can't even eat that's sole purpose is to one-up your neighbors.
How to unironically name a skyscraper
The most prominent building in San Francisco is called the Transamerica Pyramid.
Trans...america. Trans. In San Francisco. Trans.
And it's in the shape of a triangle.
You just can't make this stuff up.
Trans...america. Trans. In San Francisco. Trans.
And it's in the shape of a triangle.
You just can't make this stuff up.
How to foster truth in advertising
"Teen Mom Season 1 Exclusively at Walmart" Yep, sounds about right.
How to understand the politics of the government shutdown
You can understand the politics of the government shutdown through analogy:
Example #1: Congress is like a family. And like most families, most of the people are normal and kind. However, family activities always revolve around the most dysfunctional family member who monopolizes everything. So House Republicans are like Crazy Uncle Ned. While everyone else is talking an laughing at Thanksgiving, he smashes the gravy boat against the wall and walks out.
Example #2: House Republicans are like the Mafia, experts at extortion. "You've got a nice country here. It'd be a shame if anything were to...happen to it."
Example #3: House Republicans are like children. "If we don't play my game exactly the way I want to play, I'm going to take my ball and go home and nobody gets to play. Plus, I'm going to shut down the entire Pop Warner league while I'm at it."
Example #4: House Republicans are like your crazy ex-girlfriend. "You're told me 42 times you won't marry me. Well, I'm going to ask you a 43rd time, and if you say no, I'm cutting off the power to your house."
Example #5: House Republicans are a little awkward in their understanding of what the word negotiate means. "We want to smash you in the face with a metal pole and burn down your house. OK, look, we'll meet you halfway. How about we don't smash you in the face with a metal pole, but just burn down your house. What? You won't discuss that? WHY WON'T YOU NEGOTIATE! YOU'RE SUCH AN EXTREMIST!"
Example #6: House Republicans are Obamaphobes. Afraid of anything with the word Obama on it, even Bob Dole's health care plan. For this reason, perhaps we should start calling coal, ObamaCoal, and then maybe House Republicans will want to shut down all coal-fired power plants as well, and we'll have less childhood asthma and mercury pollution.
Example #1: Congress is like a family. And like most families, most of the people are normal and kind. However, family activities always revolve around the most dysfunctional family member who monopolizes everything. So House Republicans are like Crazy Uncle Ned. While everyone else is talking an laughing at Thanksgiving, he smashes the gravy boat against the wall and walks out.
Example #2: House Republicans are like the Mafia, experts at extortion. "You've got a nice country here. It'd be a shame if anything were to...happen to it."
Example #3: House Republicans are like children. "If we don't play my game exactly the way I want to play, I'm going to take my ball and go home and nobody gets to play. Plus, I'm going to shut down the entire Pop Warner league while I'm at it."
Example #4: House Republicans are like your crazy ex-girlfriend. "You're told me 42 times you won't marry me. Well, I'm going to ask you a 43rd time, and if you say no, I'm cutting off the power to your house."
Example #5: House Republicans are a little awkward in their understanding of what the word negotiate means. "We want to smash you in the face with a metal pole and burn down your house. OK, look, we'll meet you halfway. How about we don't smash you in the face with a metal pole, but just burn down your house. What? You won't discuss that? WHY WON'T YOU NEGOTIATE! YOU'RE SUCH AN EXTREMIST!"
Example #6: House Republicans are Obamaphobes. Afraid of anything with the word Obama on it, even Bob Dole's health care plan. For this reason, perhaps we should start calling coal, ObamaCoal, and then maybe House Republicans will want to shut down all coal-fired power plants as well, and we'll have less childhood asthma and mercury pollution.
How Americans are addressing the underfunding of public pensions by $1 trillion
Ooh, look, a shiny object.
How to walk and chew gum
Step #1: Sit....
Step #2: Chew, chew, chew.
Step #3: Hold jaw steady.
Step #4: Walk some more.
Step #2: Chew, chew, chew.
Step #3: Hold jaw steady.
Step #4: Walk some more.
How to identify an inexpensive SEO writer
1. Don't waste money on high-priced American writers who desire to make more than minimum wage.
2. Search on Fiverr, Elance, oDesk, and Mechanical Turk.
3. Pay the rock-bottom price.
4. Receive professionally written copy for your inbound marketing to help inform your customers and help them buy your products while building inbound links and improve search engine results for your website. Here is an example of the high-quality, professionally written copy you can expect to receive for just a few dollars...
Hello blog readers. I am John. I grew up and live all my life in Prairie Plans, Kansas. I here tell you, my fellow readers, about wonderful product that change my life for much good. If I can do it here in my small American Heart Land town, you can very much as well! I encourage you today!!!
It happen during government-mandated end to week non-work time, my story occured. I am much very liking traditional American traditions, like watching football matches with my brothers and fellow compatriots from university attended. Insodoing the competitive sport watching with much beer consumption, my cousin ask me about payday loans. I say best payday loans are very much easy to find. Payday loan search help me get very status enhanching products, like sports muscle car. And such mode of transport help me get beautiful American girlfriend.
You also have desires for beautiful American girlfriend with very much breasts? Then I tell you today, I suggest you click on links here on my home-written blog and look for short-term cash advance and payday loans. It even help you buy Levi jeans!
2. Search on Fiverr, Elance, oDesk, and Mechanical Turk.
3. Pay the rock-bottom price.
4. Receive professionally written copy for your inbound marketing to help inform your customers and help them buy your products while building inbound links and improve search engine results for your website. Here is an example of the high-quality, professionally written copy you can expect to receive for just a few dollars...
Hello blog readers. I am John. I grew up and live all my life in Prairie Plans, Kansas. I here tell you, my fellow readers, about wonderful product that change my life for much good. If I can do it here in my small American Heart Land town, you can very much as well! I encourage you today!!!
It happen during government-mandated end to week non-work time, my story occured. I am much very liking traditional American traditions, like watching football matches with my brothers and fellow compatriots from university attended. Insodoing the competitive sport watching with much beer consumption, my cousin ask me about payday loans. I say best payday loans are very much easy to find. Payday loan search help me get very status enhanching products, like sports muscle car. And such mode of transport help me get beautiful American girlfriend.
You also have desires for beautiful American girlfriend with very much breasts? Then I tell you today, I suggest you click on links here on my home-written blog and look for short-term cash advance and payday loans. It even help you buy Levi jeans!
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